Saturday, October 10, 2009

Crawling into Fall

I must admit, Hamilton's doing a heck of a job trying to infuse some new life into its historic downtown core. I get this feeling she's trying to thrust off the weight of her past sins and economic woes, and the stereotypes that hold her down. With each new weight cast off, she uncovers a little magic. Events like Hamilton's Supercrawl help to reveal that magic, despite the weather.

I was proud of the huddled masses yearning to be dry last night, but persisting anyway in the rain and in the cold. Umbrellas of all shapes and sizes and bent, bobbing up and down to the beats coming from the main stage. Some, without umbrellas, donned rainjackets and galoshes, splashing happily in the puddles embracing the wet autumn night.

I had to really focus to embrace the night because I do not embrace chilly temperatures well at all, and Ohbijou, an indie band from Toronto, helped me do just that.

At first, I stood on the outskirts looking on at the sea of umbrellas satisfied with my poor view of the stage. But then I heard the sad strains of an electric violin--one of my favorite musical instruments. My interest was peaked. And then an electric cello blended into the chorus, soon followed by a man on a mandelin. All of this beautiful music began to swell with the lead singers' girlishly pure voice piercing the rain, piercing the cold, piercing the crowd, piercing me. I was lost and caught up in the rapture of this motley crue of musicians. I found myself losing all umbrella etiquette and bumping my way closer to the stage. Finding my focus, the nasty elements no longer mattered. Nothing really did except for that moment.

Canada is beautiful in the fall and I am learning to love this season. The blustery autumn winds seem to scoot out the complacency of summer ushering in a resurgence of purpose and a persistence to make the best of the coming season.

Niagara Parkway, Ontario
Photo courtesy of Cosmo Condina / Getty Images

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Where I was on 9/11

It was the second week of September, 2001 and I was taking a creative writing course at the University of Central Oklahoma. Our poetry assignment was due the following week. One of the requirements was to write a poem in the form of haiku, the smallest literary form with ironically, the most rules attached to it.

Poetry had always come easy for me, and for those that knew me in my earlier writing years, I typically wrote double page-long epics. I was embarking on foreign territory here. How in the world was I going to write something profound using only 17 syllables, in three lines, in 5-7-5 sequence?

The free form-poet-hippy in me scoffed at the idea of caging creativity with such
restricted requirements! However, the over-achiever-competitor drove me to not only attempt, but to also achieve success with the highest marks.

I pondered my subject of haiku for about a day. Something light? Nature perhaps? Everyone loves nature. Robert Frost was a genius when writing on the subject of nature...

And then the morning of September 11, 2001 came. And it went. Although it never really passed like some bad days seem to eventually fade. No, it just took up residence in my soul and settled with an unwelcome thud.

September 12, 2001. I was working, but not really. No one really was or could for that matter. We were all plagued with thoughts of the jagged rip torn in America's once colorful canvas. It was now just all very, very grey.

Sitting at my desk distracted from my database entry duties, my haiku quietly erupted onto my Word document. My blinking cursor no longer blinking, just ferociously moving across the screen and then coming to an abrupt and final halt a few moments later.

"Dusty corpses tell
the story with muted lips;
Hunter is hunted."

It wasn't pretty, and it probably wasn't profound, but it was the truth. It was only one writer's feeble attempt to describe that unforgettable Tuesday.

About six years prior in April 1995, at the age of 15, this same writer had also made an attempt to describe the devastation that had occurred in Oklahoma City. Somehow, strangely, my teenage prose had ended on a hopeful and victorious note. I suppose that was the less jaded version of me writing at the time...

Needless to say, I got the "A" on my haiku assignment. Sitting there in it's fresh red ink, the "A" sighed a little I think. I expected to feel a sense of achievement for my work. Instead, my little haiku felt like a big, fat, "F." I guess the whole world flunked that day. Unfortunately, this time, there were no make-ups or room for extra credit.

Originally "published" on 9/11/06. Republished with permission from Rikki's old Myspace blog.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The feminine roar heard 'cross the country

Last friday, just a day after the Afghanistan elections were held, I spent the lazy summer afternoon sprawled on my couch eating lunch and surfing my new HBO channels. I happened upon what looked like a made-for-television movie called, "Iron Jawed Angels." The guide's info listed Hilary Swank as the leading actress and the description mentioned something about the women's suffrage movement. I admire Ms. Swank's on-screen work and love a good historical period piece so I settled in with mild interest and a little skepticism as I had never heard of the film and there were no "stars" listed under the movie rating.

Two hours later, I was wiping away tears and processing a new found admiration for the women who led the way for the women's right to vote in the U.S. They endured years of scorn, jailings, and imprisonment under brutal conditions, so that almost 89 years later I could fax in my absentee ballot vote from Canada for the next president of the United States.


Myself, voting in the 2008 Presidential elections

I had vaguely remembered reading maybe a few paragraphs or a chapter on women's history in the U.S. in either highschool or college. Names like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony seemed familiar but were just names of women pioneers that other women should know. But somehow seeing Alice Paul and her cohorts' tenacity and courage displayed on-screen brought to life a privilege I had taken for granted since I had turned 18.

There's a scene in the movie where President Woodrow Wilson and his closest staff are confounded about why all these women were making such a fuss. It was 1917 and the U.S. was sludging it out in WWI. It seemed there were greater causes to fight for at the time than letting a woman mark her name on a ballot form. Besides, black men had already been given the right to vote, women were sure to follow in due time. But for Wilson's administration the time was not now.

Many of the picketeers had been hauled off to prison on the charges of "obstructing traffic." While in prison, the leader of the National Woman's Party, Alice Paul, went on a hunger strike declaring herself and her female compatriots "political prisoners" and the conditions inside the prison "inhumane." For her efforts, Alice was marked as suicidal and therefore labeled insane.


Alice Paul

The American patriot, Patrick Henry, was famously quoted as saying, 'give me liberty or give me death.' One could argue his cause was a higher cause worth fighting for and that Alice and other women like her were merely driven to crazy feminist obsessions. However, one of my favorite lines in the movie played by a male advocate for the suffrage movement sums it up and shuts it up best when he says, "In women, courage is often mistaken for insanity."

On August 26, 1920, Congress ratified the 19th amendment to the United States Consitution allowing women all across America their opportunity to explore liberty and democracy to its fullest and for themselves. I am thankful to that generation of women who would not take "no" or "later" for an answer, but rather said, "now."

Our definition of equality has always been restricted by the norms of the society and culture at the time. Thankfully, there are those, like Alice Paul, that have been willing to rock the boat and if need be, sink it, to help redefine the parameters of the highest notions of human equality.

Draining tears and snot into my paper towel, I watched the movie credits roll by and wondered what I have ever fought for that mattered? Would I have what it takes to be willing to lose my reputation or even my life for something I believed in? There are some women in Afghanistan who still do. Even with the barrage of violence and death threats from the Taliban, the women of Afghanistan persisted to the polls on August 20, 2009 covered in fierce determination and a burqua. Although technically "free" to cast their vote, many of them never made it, held back by hundreds of closed polling stations for women, cultural taboos, and perhaps a lingering sentiment in their own minds that women aren't truly equal.

Today, I salute the steps of the women that traveled before me to turn my privilege into a practiced right. I also salute the steps of the women who travel now in trembling towards their right to vote, but do it none the less in the hope that they are blazing an easier trail for their daughters to travel down.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

A little catch up

The struggle over transparency has left my blog neglected for the past little while. In this e-world of disseminating personal information I often ask, "how much is too much?" Which walls do I leave up? Which walls do I tear down? And which walls do I leave for decorating to please the public's eye?

This much I do know. My walls carry cracks. And what may be considered "quaint" for one, could be considered "odd" for another.

Despite my reservations, I still feel a duty to share bits of me. I owe it to myself and to this bubbling well inside me to spill over regardless of where it may fall...

My parents have now come and gone from their visit to Canada. What a role reversal it is to host the people who have "hosted" you for most of your growing life. The moment where I tsk-tsked my own mother for using the wrong handtowels I'll never forget. "Those are for pretty, Mom, not for actual use." Say what?! Or another favorite was when my mother apologized for not making up the bed in the guest room the morning they left for the airport. So bizarre coming from the person responsible for my clean room checks growing up. But I'd have to say my most favorite memory from their visit was that of me and my mother whipping up a cream cheese cookie baking and coleslaw cooking storm in the kitchen. Together. Side by side. Mother and daughter. It was a healing moment for me. And one that's been needed for over three years.

A beauty of a storm descended upon Hamilton the other day. To the west, sunshine. To the east, dark clouds. And my house seemed to be at the centre of it all. My pear tree bent ungracefully at the force of the winds sending me a small sense of danger and also a thrill. An affliction leftover from my Tornado Alley living days I'm afraid. But the storm left as quickly as it came, washing my sidewalks-and my spirit-clean.

I just finished watching "Becoming Jane." It's a semi-biographical movie on the author, Jane Austen. I'll not critique the acting or the script, but I have to comment on the element of unrequited love between Jane and Mr. Lefroy. It is heart-wrenching and unsatisfying to not see them have their happily ever after together, but I have to say there is something dark about me that loves a story that is not tied up in a pretty little bow. Life is just not that way. I must also say that if you have never felt the pain of unrequited love, then you have never lived. But if you have felt its deepest sorrow, it is like you have also died.

I think Jesus must have felt the anguish of unreturned love and known the sting of a scorned lover too. He would have made for a great hero in one of Austen's novels, but then again he did already play a great character in another Good Book....

August is here too soon. While I'm itchin' to get back to work at Listen Up TV this fall, I am still officially an unpublished writer. Usually I hold my goals, like pearls, preciously and privately. But the summer is ending and I am aware of how quickly my 30th birthday is approaching. Secretly, I feel the delicate strand has broken and quietly my pearls are slipping away.

And so in the battle for today's post, Transparency, I'm afraid has won out at the same time I have run out of plaster for my broken walls.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Unfamiliar Terra-tory

I got into green earth
and green earth got into me
and on my clothes
and under my nails
and between my toes...

Under the watchful guidance of a helpful friend, I made my first attempt at gardening and landscaping. I figured after three years in the same house with the same man it was about time to make a move at some small form of domesticity. That and I wanted to make a good impression on my parents who are coming to visit soon. As if to say, "look at me permanently residing in Canada all hunkered down making a life," and like my young flowers, taking root. Tentatively at first, exploring the conditions and then resigning to settle.

Yes. I admit it. I quite like it here. I love my city with its history, its hodge podge of different cultures and all its eccentricities. Hamilton is the relative you love to make fun of but secretly adore for all their quirks and big fish stories. My city has some cracks and scuff marks, but that's what makes her interesting. And best of all, she took me in.

I put up a good fight at first pretending it wasn't my decision to move here. But being angry is exhausting and rips patches from the quilt that holds your soul together. I want to be happy. And warm.

And so I dig. I grunt and sweat at the effort, but I continue to dig.

Yes, my marigolds are a little lopsided, and some of my Black-eyed Susans look like they could use an ice pack and a Tylenol, but I put them there. With care, with expectation and with the hope that the sun will shine on them just the right way.


"At first, it's unfamiliar, then it strikes root."
--Fernando Pessoa

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

MJical

We loved you though we never knew you.

We scorned you though you never hurt us.

We laughed at your brokenness, while we ignored our own.

You wore your insecurities on your face.

We tucked ours deep inside.

You were no god, but we worshipped you.

Your melodies, our hymns of praise.

But the record's stopped.

The chord is ripped.

The glove and the moon are buried.

The mirror is broken,

And the illusion is blurred

For the Celestial was merely a man.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

July 4th remains alive for this American girl

One of my most treasured Fourth of July memories is the July before I moved to Canada. That was a great summer for my sister Nicole and me. We ran a 5k together, cleaned out closets of my house (fun, I know...), shopped, sunbathed and shared. Like sisters do.

That particular summer our family was busy and split between locations for celebrations. Somehow, Nicole and I ended up at a vacant gas station parking lot sitting on the hood of her car. Or was it mine? Memories tend to shift over time...

Anyways, we watched the fireworks explode, but we did it in Corey Hart circa 1984 style. With our sunglasses on. I don't know. I guess the sky, the moment, our futures looked so bright.

I took a few pictures to capture the ridiculousness of us and our oversized shades from that night, but between a move and a laptop crash, the digitally captured memory is lost. Thankfully, I'm able to still retreive the personally captured one.

While the details surrounding our Independence Day adventure are a little out of focus, the feeling I get when I recall the love and adoration I had for my sister and the thankfulness for freedom in my country, remains perfectly intact. Neither time nor a PC failure can take that away.

I don't know if I'll have the opportunity to see our magical modern day metaphors for "red bombs bursting in air" from my view on this side of the border, but my heart is at home today. In between the chomps of fresh watermelon, the gulps of homemade sweet tea, and the devouring of mom's delicious American flag cake that is sure to be had, my heart and my belly is home.

On this 4th, I'll be at my husband's all-star baseball game. You can bet a Canadian and American dollar I'll be sporting red, white, and blue today though. You can also be certain that when opening ceremonies begin and hands go to hearts for the Canadian national anthem, I'll be singing to the tune of a different melody in my head, smiling all the while.

I leave you with some beautiful patriotic prose that could soften the heart of any red-blooded Canuck.

"My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty,
Of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside
Let freedom ring!
2
My native country, thee,
Land of the noble free,
Thy name I love;
I love thy rocks and rills,
Thy woods and templed hills;
My heart with rapture thrills,
Like that above.
3
Let music swell the breeze,
And ring from all the trees
Sweet freedom's song;
Let mortal tongues awake;
Let all that breathe partake;
Let rocks their silence break,
The sound prolong.
4
Our father's God to Thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's holy light,
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."
"America," penned by Rev. Samuel Smith in 1832.